Diana is kneeling in front of the professional wrestling fan's altar, surrounded by multitude of wrestling action figures and candles. Her hands are clasped and she is looking up to the heavens, as if pleading for an answer.

Gunn and Palumbo as tag champs? Stephanie McMahon invading the TV, inflated boobs leading the way? The nWo? Lots of yakking, little rasslin'? Oh Wrestling Gods, what have the wrestling fans done to deserve this? I swear, whatever we've fucked up in your eyes, we'll remedy...

She stands up, brushes herself off, and walks away, her 3-and-a-half inch heeled boots making clomping sounds on the floor. She is mumbling something about, "shitty booking."

 

Okay, now that I'm done with my creative writing foray for the moment, let's get to the nitty gritty. Why do I cry out like this in a blubbering show of emotion, you may ask? Well, the "Grandaddy of them All" is upon us March 18 and to put it bluntly, goddamn is this going to blow. After running down this list, you'll probably say, "Waitaminute- you're doing predictions on RAW." To that I'd say, "Uh huh, chief: it's all right here." And we're going to go off the beaten path this time, kids: no "my pick" crap because I really don't give a good damn one way or another for most of these matches so we're just going to go with the "will win".

 

 

Undisputed Federation Championship
Triple H vs. Chris Jericho

Will Win: HHH. And why, you ask? He's a face, he's got to prove the ex-wife wrong, they've really pimped his comeback, and after his lovely RAW comments about Stephanie, he's a mega-face now. Therefore, to make the fans happy he'll win, plain and simple. And this match shouldn't be too bad, as long as they keep Stephanie and her tits out of it because both are credible opponents. No, not her jugs: I'm talking about HHH and Jericho.

 

Hollywood Hogan vs. The Rock

Will Win: I'm sure he'll come back all bruised and shit, totally playing the underdog, but since he needs some revenge for that ambulance thing, Rock will take this one. Personally, this is a reason to not get the PPV. I would feel so cheap to pay $40 to see Hogan ManTits and this match ain't going to be spectacular. Let's just say that both these men should thank their lucky fuckin' stars for having a gimmick people dug at various points in pro wrestling history. Now Rock's not as bad as Hogan but these two have needed people to carry them in matches and with a combo like this, don't expect fireworks.

 

Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Scott Hall

Will Win: And here we have another reason not to pony up 40 clams, based on the fact it involves Hall. Austin can at least put on a decent match when he wants to and has an opponent that he works well with, but pair him with a man whose better days have come and gone and this one ain't gonna burn the house down. Actually, you could probably piss on the fire this one would create and you'd extinguish it. Since Big Lazy hasn't been booked, I'm figuring he'll be in Hall's corner so that might be a factor. However, I really don't see Steve laying down for Hall and even though we'll probably have interference, I'll say Austin.

 

Intercontinental Championship
William Regal vs. Rob Van Dam

Will Win: I have a feeling that the brass knucks aren't going to produce in this match and RVD will take the belt. If they can mesh Regal's old-school wrestling and RVD's flashbulb spots, there could be a good match here with something for everybody.

 

The Undertaker vs. Ric Flair

Will Win: The man's bringing in a 9-0 WrestleMania record so I honestly don't expect that to become 9-1 after this match. Shit, since he's never really racked up the titles, that record is one of his legacies. I'd be shocked if they do have Flair go over in this one. So it's going to be Taker in this one, folks. However, I do expect some revenge time, especially on AA and David Flair's parts but don't expect it to make much of a difference.

 

Tag Team Championship 
Billy & Chuck vs. APA vs. Hardys vs. Dudleys

Will Win: I see the Dudleys winning the gold seeing as they're in a semi-solid angle now. Now I would prefer the APA but their push left as soon as it came.

 

Women's Championship
Jazz vs. Lita vs. Trish Stratus

Will Win: I say Trish will take this one, intensifying her feuds with Lita and Jazz.

 

Kane vs. Kurt Angle

Will Win: Kane, based on the fact Angle's been punking him out and the Big Red Machine will be coming back with revenge on his mind. That and Angle's not above putting other guys over.

 

Edge vs. Booker T

Will Win: First of all, this feud blows. Feuding over shampoo?? Jesus, and I thought the Jericho/Kane feud over coffee was bad. Anyway, I'm definitely rooting for Edge in this one but I think that Booker will get the win with some interference.

 

European Championship

DDP vs. Christian

Will Win: I see Christian taking this one.

 

Hardcore Championship

Goldust vs. Maven

Will Win: Goldust

 

 

Now for the analyzin':

 

Matches (Will Winners): Winners

Undisputed Champ. Match (HHH): HHH

Hall/Austin (Austin): Austin

Hogan/Rock (Rock): Rock

Women's Title Match (Trish): Jazz

European Title Match (Christian): DDP

Intercontinental Title (RVD): RVD

Tag Team Match (Dudleys): Gunn/Palumbo

Flair/Taker (Taker): Taker

Booker/ Edge (Booker): Edge

Kane/Angle (Kane): Kurt

Hardcore Title (Goldust): Hurricane

 

Correct (5/11)= 45%